im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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