Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
