On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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