Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
