if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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