No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
