Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
