SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
