I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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