I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
