my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
