My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
