yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
