There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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