I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
