A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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