hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
