the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
