If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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