I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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