just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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