I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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