Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
