You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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