I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
