saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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