i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole