My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
