I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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