There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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