Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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