I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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