when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
