everyone is single if you try hard enough
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
