Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
