Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
