Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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