im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
