i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
