take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I wish there were birth control emojis
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
