I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
