After last night, I could never be a politician.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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