So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
