Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
