A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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