I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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