My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
