Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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