dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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