Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
