Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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