What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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