did you get engaged???
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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