So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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