dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
