What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude i'm inner monologue high
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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