Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
