I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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